What To Do When You Feel Overwhelmed

Have you ever felt like your emotions were either completely overwhelming or they felt strangely absent? I used to find myself a lot in the overwhelmed space, unable to do anything except collapse onto my bed. Learning about my window of tolerance completely changed this as I started to understand what was going on within my mind and body, and most importantly what I could do about it. Let me explain…

Understanding the Window of Tolerance

Imagine your emotional capacity as a window. Inside this window is your "zone of optimal functioning". Essentially the emotional space where you can think clearly, feel your emotions without being overwhelmed by them, and respond thoughtfully to life's challenges. When you’re within this window, you have access to your best selves.

This concept was first introduced by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, who noticed that people have a range within which they can function effectively. This isn’t about feeling happy all the time, it's about being able to experience and process emotions without becoming dysregulated. It's about having capacity to experience ALL emotions without being thrown into a place where you can't function effectively and actually live your life.

When You’re Out of Your Window

We will all experience being thrown out of our window, from stress, trauma, and even everyday pressures. When this does happen, we can go into one of two states. These states aren't choices, they're biological responses to perceived threats.

Hyperarousal: This is the "too much" zone. Anxiety, racing thoughts, heightened emotions, irritability, feeling that everything is urgent and overwhelming. Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode, flooding your body with stress hormones.

Hypoarousal: This is the "too little" zone. Numbness, disconnection, brain fog, fatigue, that feeling of being shut down or checked out. Your nervous system has gone into a protective freeze or collapse state.

Your Personal Window

We all have different sized windows of tolerance, shaped by our unique experiences and biology. Some people naturally have wider windows, while others have narrower ones due to factors like:

• Early life experiences and attachment patterns

• Past trauma or chronic stress

• Current life circumstances and support systems

• Physiological factors like sleep, nutrition and health

• Genetic predispositions

Signs You're Outside Your Window

Recognising when you've moved outside your window is the first step toward finding your way back. Here are some signs I've observed in myself and clients:

Signs of Hyperarousal:

• Racing thoughts that won't slow down

• Difficulty concentrating on one thing

• Feeling on edge or easily startled

• Physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing or muscle tension

• Catastrophising or seeing everything as a potential crisis

• Irritability or outbursts of anger

• Inability to rest or relax

Signs of Hypoarousal:

• Feeling numb or empty

• Difficulty thinking clearly or making decisions

• Physical sensations of heaviness or fatigue

• Disconnection from others or yourself

• Lack of motivation or care about things that usually matter to you

• Feeling "spaced out" or dissociated

• Difficulty feeling pleasure or pain

To start to understand when you’re out of your window of tolerance it can be helpful to start a journal to note down when you experience these states, what you believe triggered it and whether you notice any patterns. For example, my client realised that she would slip into hyperarousal when she sat down to start work without a plan and structured routine.

Strategies to Expand Your Window of Tolerance

The good news is that your window of tolerance isn't fixed, it can be expanded with consistent practice. Here are some ways you can widen your window:

1. Recognise your state

Simply naming whether you're in hyperarousal or hypoarousal helps activate your prefrontal cortex, the rational part of your brain that goes offline when you're outside your window. By just starting to name it you can gain more awareness of how you’re feeling and reassure yourself these feelings are normal.

2. Anchor to the present

Each state requires different grounding techniques:

For hyperarousal – think how can you slow things down and calm your mind and body:

• Slow, deep breathing (4 counts in, 6 counts out)

• Ground yourself – feel your feet pressing into the floor

• Listen to music (think gentle, calming songs) – creating a playlist can be really helpful

• Move gently – take a short gentle walk, stretch and do some slow movements to release energy

• Reassure yourself – remind yourself: “I am safe, this will pass.”

• Naming things you can see in your environment

• Heavy pressure like a weighted blanket

For hypoarousal – think how can you bring some energy back to your mind and body:

• Engage your senses – splash cold water on your face

• Listen to music (think upbeat songs) – you can create a playlist for this state too

• Try some movement – active stretch, shake your arms or legs, dance, jog, brisk walk.

• Connect with someone – a quick call, message or chat.

• Stimulate your mind – do something simple but engaging like doodling or a puzzle

Working with one of my clients to help her support herself when she found herself out of her window, we created a "regulation cheat sheet" with techniques she tried and enjoyed. This became her go to when she was dysregulated and she found the more she used these techniques the bigger her window became.

3. Meet your needs

Each state signals different needs so understanding these can help you then meet that need to support yourself.

Hyperarousal often signals a need for:

• Safety and security

• Calming and soothing

• Structure and predictability

• Permission to rest

Hypoarousal might signal a need for:

• Gentle activation and engagement

• Connection with others

• Meaning and purpose

• Sensory input

I discovered that when I was hyperaroused, I often needed some time alone, lying in bed with some calm music on and then to map out what I need to do. When I was hypoaroused, a walk outside with my dog and chatting with a friend, helped me reconnect with life and get back my energy.

4. Practice daily regulation

Just like strengthening your muscles comes from regular exercise, emotional regulation strength comes from consistent practice. These are some activities that have been shown to expand the window of tolerance and some for you to try:

Meditation and mindfulness practices: These help you become aware of your emotional states without immediately reacting to them. Even five minutes daily of simply noticing your breath can strengthen your regulatory capacity.

Physical movement: Exercise helps discharge stress hormones and releases endorphins that regulate mood. It doesn’t need to be long, a quick walk around the block, a weekly yoga class or a 10-minute morning walk can make a noticeable difference to your overall regulation.

Social connection: Positive interactions with supportive people literally help regulate our nervous systems. Schedule regular time with people who being you joy and make you feel safe and seen.

Sleep: Lack of sleep dramatically narrows our window of tolerance (let’s be honest none of us are at our best when we’re tired!). Prioritising consistent, quality sleep is fundamental to emotional regulation. Are you getting enough sleep? Do you need a relaxing evening routine?

I notice such a HUGE difference in myself when I get out for a daily walk, move my body regularly, eat nourishing meals, spend time with the people I love, give my body what it needs and get a good night’s sleep. Very often it’s just these simple things that can make such a big impact.

Creating a More Regulated Life

Beyond individual practices, lifestyle choices can also help you stay within your window of tolerance. Think about the following and how you can factor these into your life:

Reduce unnecessary stressors: Audit your life for sources of stress that aren't serving a purpose. Can you delegate certain tasks? Set better boundaries? Simplify your schedule? Spend less time with certain individuals? Maybe something bigger like change your career?

Build in transition times: Many of us get dysregulated when rushing from one activity to another. Even five-minute buffers between meetings can help your nervous system adjust and allow your body to stay in a calm place rather than that stressed, rushing energy.

Curate your environment for safety: Arrange your home and workspace with elements that signal safety to your nervous system. This could be comfortable places to sit, a cosy blanket, beautiful candle, soothing decor or meaningful objects.

Seek professional support: Working with a coach can help you understand your window of tolerance and create a strategy for expanding your window and coming back to it if you get thrown out of it. Therapists trained in approaches like Somatic Experiencing or EMDR can be incredibly helpful in expanding your window of tolerance, especially if past trauma is a factor.

The Journey Towards Emotional Regulation

Remember, having a narrow window of tolerance is not a weakness, it's often the result of life experiences that have shaped your nervous system to be protective AND it can change. Be patient with yourself as you begin to learn about your window, what sends you into hyperarousal or hypoarousal and how to support yourself when this happens.

I have so much faith in you! Find out how I can support you with this by booking a free discovery call.