How To Recognise & Overcome Self-Sabotage

You may or may not realise you’re self-sabotaging right now.

Perhaps you keep stopping yourself taking the steps towards achieving your goals but the reasons feel valid to you. You just need to do one more course or create the perfect plan for your business idea then you can launch.

Or maybe your self-sabotage behaviours feel glaringly obvious but you just cannot stop doing them. You keep procrastinating, you know you’re doing it, you want to stop but it feels impossible to actually get on with updating your CV and applying for jobs.

There are so many reasons why you may be self-sabotaging – whether it is to protect yourself from what you’re perceiving to be a stressful situation or you may not feel truly worthy of what you want. It can show up in your career, friendships, relationships – in any area of your life.

The key thing I want you to remember is you’re not self-sabotaging to deliberately annoy or upset yourself, on some level you are doing it to protect yourself.

Self-sabotage can look like but is definitely not limited to the following…

▫ You see your capacity to change being dependent on other people's actions.

▫ You're too busy doing one more course or setting up another process before you actually start your business idea.

▫ You don't do the things you want because you think you can only do it when X has happened.

▫ You allow others to take up your time and energy then complain it's stopping you working towards your goals but you don't actually set any boundaries.

▫ You think things need to be perfect otherwise what's the point in doing it.

▫ You spend time worrying about situations that you have some control around but don't do anything about it.

▫ You focus your energy and attention on what other people need to change in their life rather than making changes in yours.

▫ You keep doing the same thing over and over again, getting frustrated that you're not getting the result you want and not changing your approach.

▫ You take on too much work then feel really stressed that you can't finish it all.

How to overcome self-sabotage

1. Gain Greater Awareness

Awareness is the first essential step to any change. Think about the following, focusing on being kind to yourself, getting curious and being as honest with yourself as possible. There is no right or wrong.

▫ Think about your goals in life (e.g., having a happy and loving relationship, an exciting and challenging new job, a successful side business…)

▫ How is your action or inaction preventing you from achieving these goals?

▫ Does your behaviour align with your goals?

▫ Imagine achieving your goals, really tune in with the thoughts in your mind and sensations in your body – how do you really feel? Is there any discomfort/unease or doubts/negative thoughts?

▫ Are you scared of failing or succeeding?

▫ Do you feel worthy of your goals/the life you want?

▫ What do you think others will think/feel if you achieve all of your goals?

2. Uncover The Root

Once you have greater awareness, try and recognise the root of what is causing you to self-sabotage. Does there seem to be a pattern or common thread coming up in a few of your responses? Perhaps it’s a fear your friends will see you differently or you’re scared you might fail or you’ve associated your goal with having to sacrifice things in your life. Also be aware that that your self-sabotaging behaviours may have a number of roots.

3. Shift Your Perspective

Once you’ve identified the root, think about how you can reframe this fear, limiting belief or negative association. What can you shift your perspective to that feels more supportive and empowering? Think about the version of you that doesn’t do this self-sabotaging behaviour, how do they feel about this fear, limiting belief or negative association?

4. Show Yourself Compassion

Moving forwards when you recognise that you’re self-sabotaging, be kind to yourself! Know that a part of you is trying to protect you right now – reassure and encourage that part that feels scared or not worthy. Think about how you would speak to a friend who shared this with you.

5. Start Taking Small Steps

Think about the action you would love to take that does align with your goals and the life you want to create. Start setting some small steps to work towards achieving these – keeping in mind how you can self-sabotage and noticing if you start to fall into old patterns. If you do, show yourself compassion whilst reminding yourself of your new perspective and reminding yourself that you no longer need to self-sabotage, you are safe to take this action.

Please note that this can be challenging to do on your own – we all have blind spots and often we need support from someone else to recognise ours or connect the dots. If you want to find out how I could help you with this please get in touch.

I believe in you, you’ve got this!

Elyssa x